My Life Now........
some changes, some happiness, some experiments, some surprises.

So. It has been a while. 2008 will be remembered for many changes for me.
I finally got up the nerve and left hubby. 27 years of marriage and 31 together. Seems I guess I never really knew him at all and the love, respect, trust, is GONE.
It started years ago. Living with a narcissist is HELL. Living without one.... priceless. The frustration, anger, hate, apathy and all the other feelings associated with being emotionally hurt have finally gone away. Took me less time than I thought. When you meet someone and you are too young, not fully matured....it can't be good. Too bad I didn't listen to my mother... she told me on my wedding day I didn't have to get married. but then,,,,, look at my beautiful, wonderful, great children who are turning into wonderful young women and man. I am so proud, even tho they did not get enuf support from their dad.... I was/am always there!

Here is how the relationship between me and ex (wow i am now an ex) started to die.
He had been chatting for a few yrs and making friends. It bothered me alot, seems they would get more attention than me. So, when he started chatting to an ex fiance (from 32 yrs ago and NO communication since then), I was startled, sad and asked him to stop. He refused, said I knew about their history and they are just friends. Did not matter to me... who was concerned and trying to ""fix"" our relationship. It bothered the kids and explanations given to son (13)by ex, were not necessary (telling him that you always have a spot for your first love and someday he will understand that). total bullshit. ( some more background. seems when I took 2 weeks vacation in January to be with daughter and new baby/grandbaby, he was pissed.. says i took time away from him WTF?... also i decided to invite myself with daughter and her new family to go to Florida for 2 weeks and HE was not to go... pissed again. it was a time for me to realize how unhappy I am.... also realized that happiness is a given... I watched daughter and her new family relate and it made me cry. I asked if it was always like that no yelling, belittling, anger, walking on pins and needles... and daughter replied Yes mom,,,, this is what a normal family is like. )

So, mid march i receive an email from this "woman's" daughter telling me that she did not like the way her mom and my husband were "chatting". she enclosed a portion of the email which said this:

N**** hugssssssssssss,

I am sorry A***** feels that my gifts were wrong but that is the way i am. I wanted to brighten your day and to let you know that it's great to have you back as a friend.My family knows about you and that i am talking to you.My son J**** was asking about you and i told him that i loved you very much when we were young and when you really care about someone in life the love is always there. I told him he would probably have the same feelings if he met a girl and they broke up on good terms. My wife also knows that you mean alot to me and knows alot about you.Lynn knows that i want to take vacation when you come so i can spend time with you and see what's been going on over the years. I will be sending you more things like your birthday gift and stuff later on but it's all in friendship. If something happened between us we'd have to deal with it and it has nothing to do with breaking up a marriage.
N**** i love you more than anyone i've know and I never have ever felt so happy as i do know knowing you are there for me.

*holds you close,please don't cry unless it's tears of joy. love ya beautiful
Phil xxxxx oooo

so THAT is the email.... can you say I WAS ROYALLY PISSED?
He laughed it off and I am furious. That was the final straw. Seems the daughter does not speak to her mom now (and does not to this day!)

He said she was coming up in august and he wanted to get together... as a family if we want..... I THINK NOT!

so.... to shorten this up..... . The marriage had ended in my mind and I was done... all that was left to do was leave.
It was a horrible time for me.... I hurt, suffered, felt I had given all and gotten nothing back.... but that is done now. I felt he never even tried/wanted to fix things. He asked me to email her and explain that our "marriage trouble" was not about her. that was done under duress.

When she came to Ontario (she is out of province and Winnipeg will never be the same for me again ) i decided i was done and was leaving. When I told him i was leaving do you know what he said?????
What about me? where will i go? what will i do? I have been trying (bs)... what about my workshop? Never ONCE did he say... I love you. I want you. I need you. That was when I knew it was done...
So all that was left was to go. so I began to pack and leave... me and the kids .... never did he help me, lift a finger.
His last question to me was..... Can I still see her? i said it is done i don't give a fuck.... THEN, THEN he asked,,,, will u be mad if I fall in love with her? what do you say to that? I was totally done and crushed...

So when she came he spent 3 whole days with her...never once complaining about his ""pain"" that had debilitated him so badly... and would come home as i was packing and try to tell me about it WTF???? We were unfortunately in the same bed but miles apart... It was mortifying.
I actually moved out by the time J started school in Sept... Later that month I found proof that he was kissing her and trying to sleep with me (email pics). I did email her daughter telling her that the email i sent under duress was a lie and that the "relationship" they started online and continued when meeting was the final straw in the breakdown of the marriage. She thanked me for telling her and wished me and the kids well.
Present day: We moved in with my mom (she has always told me we have a place here) and are helping her. Ex is in the house alone and it is falling to ruin. I hope to sell in the spring and be finally done with him. He finally took the poor dog to be put down (was long overdue and I had to put the $$ in the bank to pay). I am still paying 1/2 the mtg and loans.... but the house is full of dogshit ground into the furniture and floors; food wrappers everywhere and dirty dishes (ALL of the dishes) are piled beside the bed along with much garbage. Granted he said he has had pneumonia but i argued that the energy expended making food would be greater than the energy expended for putting them into the dishwasher.... fuuuuuckity fuck. He has always been a slob and continues to show it. I could never keep up and will not do so now. (what will i do when we have to fix house? omg)
The kids won't even go in the house it is so bad. I want him gone and this done.... Can u believe I don't hate him, love him, respect him anymore? yep i don't wish him dead either...he is not worth it.... and sorry he is a waste of a human being/body.

so, i have met some wonderful men, some stupid men, and some weird men.... but the few wonderful men have taught me some things:

I am a loving passionate sensual woman.
My weight is not a reflection of me.
I can be more than I am.
I like kissing passionately, making love, being adored...(I missed that)
I love passion and have met some wonderful lovers who have shown me what REAL passion and lovemaking can be
... especially one man D... who means alot to me... who loves me already and is waiting for me to love him back.
He knows i need time and will wait for me. Thank you D.
so, lets see what happens next. This was long and still not all is said and recorded here.

I did go back to school in the summer while all this shit was happening and passed a 2nd yr anthro course. I am proud of me. I will be going back for more university courses starting in January and am working towards my degree in Anthro/Archaeology. Wish me pleasure in my exciting journey... I am learning about Lynn and loving her!



Lynn (exhausted, but happy)

p.s. I am on facebook if anyone wants to follow the rest of my life. Email me and I will add you! ( lkirk1@gmail.com ) Thanks to all my friends everywhere!